omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
