I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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