I want to make a zoo with you.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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