I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
