after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
