First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
