I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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