Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
