If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
