it was like his penis was on wheels.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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