i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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