just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I am naked and annoyed.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
