well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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