What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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