I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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