420 ftw
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
