Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I am midnight drunk by noon
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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