remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
