i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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