Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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