Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
