Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
