My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
