Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
