Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
