you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I don't deserve a penis
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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