That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
