drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
