Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
