oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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