this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
