Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
