Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Sober January is a disaster.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
