so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
