I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
