shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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