I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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