found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
