i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
