Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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