I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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