going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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