I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
His hands were made for my vagina.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
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