if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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