remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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