some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
