I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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