Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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