I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
