My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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