Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
